This article contains profanity. It’s not in my style to use them at all. Ever. But I couldn’t come up with anything else. You’ve been warned.

It’s no secret that I love fiction. It can come in any and all forms: books, movies, the general media… No seriously. I’m an absolute escapist. I read because I would rather be there than here. I’d rather be surrounded by people who make sense than living in my tiny little part of the world where the biggest adventure anyone has ever had was trying to get to the grocery store after it snowed.

I don’t care about snippy gossip, and I care even less when it’s in my world. So I live for fiction and those that will expand their minds and go there with me. So, now that you understand where I’m coming from, I will continue on with my point.

 © J. R. R. Tolkien
© J. R. R. Tolkien

I’ve read the Hobbit and all the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) books. I’ve listened to the books on tape/CD multiple times. I own the extended editions of the movies. I watch them frequently. Every time I come across a point in the books or the movies when they don’t coincide, I don’t care. It really doesn’t bother me. I enjoy both equally. I love Tolkien. He is the father of fantasy.

I went to go see The Hobbit today. I think a moment of silence is needed. They fucked the movie all to hell and are apparently going to do it two more times. (Since when was this book long enough to be a trilogy?)

If you could only see my face right now. If you could only see me trying to find the right words to describe how much they fucked this movie up. I understand trying to make something more interesting. I got why they changed the ending of the last Twilight movie. It needed some vamping up, no pun intended. But, THIS?

They screwed the plotline. What sucks so bad is that this was in no way a complicated tale that needed to be cut down. I understand a lot of the omission and changing in the LOTR movies because those books were intensely long and extremely detailed. But this movie was just a box office slandering of what could have been another fantastic film. They added so much that wasn’t there so they could fit in two more movies.

This pale orc? I have no recollection of this pale orc in the Hobbit playing some huge role. None. And so while I was trying to accept the movie changing alterations of the this book, I could not. How about Radagast? He doesn’t play any part in the book! Granted, I found it relatively entertaining, but I had such a hard time swallowing it. They changed the point of the story. Radagast finds a necromancer blade? What the hell is wrong with these people? Don’t they realize that the people who throw so much money into geekdom are people who actually know the damned story? I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I couldn’t keep up with what the hell was happening.

The animation of the orcs/goblins/etc was so inconsistent. I was hoping to return to Middle Earth with this film. Other than Bag End, I felt everything was just an attempt to wow the audience. The goblins were also entertaining as they seemed to closer resemble what had been painted out in the animated feature released in 1977. But they seemed cheap. The pale orc animation seemed cheap. I looked at the companion I dragged along to this movie and said, “What did they do? Waste all the money on the panoramic shots that they didn’t have any money left for the rest of the movie?”

Oh, and Gandalf makes a reference to golf. Go fuck yourselves whoever is responsible for that.

What did I enjoy out of this movie? Well, Thorin is nothing like what he is in the book, and I’m okay with that. Give me a hero, sure, that makes some sense. In the book, he’s merely a greedy bastard as dwarves tend to be. I also liked the song they sang in the beginning. Ugh, but I can’t think about something I liked without hating how they fucked something else up. How about that prologue? Haven’t seen the movie yet? Well, they do a whole this-is-who-Smaug-is as your shoe in to the movie. The sequence alone didn’t make sense. Why not have the dwarves try to explain this to Bilbo and not have it as the opener? It was like Hollywood was trying to say “Here, look, we’ve made a really interesting movie! See look! Keep watching!” Take a flying leap off a very tall cliff.

The whole flow of this film was completely botched. I am not just ranting and saying how horrible this film is because I loved the book so much. I am saying they screwed this up royally because they wanted to make lots of money. They completely fucked up. I will not see any of the following movies in this trilogy on the big screen. It’s just not worth the money. I will gladly wait until it’s $1 at Redbox. I wouldn’t be surprised if it made a quick appearance on Netflix. Do you remember how Eragon didn’t go so well? They never made any more of those films. Just saying.

The only thing about this movie release that made me happy is the readily available original Hobbit merch. Thank God for that. But, that’s about it.

You know, maybe I should see it again? Maybe I was just expecting that they let Tolkien do what he does best, you know… tell a story. They seemed to take their time with LOTR. Sure those movies were meant to make money, too. They were also epic. The Hobbit was an average movie. Average.

Congratulations to the idiots who managed to turn something Tolkien came up with into average. I hate you.

Published by Mark Brassington

Father and Husband. Works in Corporate Banking. Loves Books, Comics, Cycling, Music, Games, going to the Gym and Writing.

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5 Comments

  1. FYI, the person you told to go fuck themselves was JRR Tolkien:

    “If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took’s great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul’s head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment.”
    ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

    1. I understand I may be splitting hairs here; however, Gandalf was not responsible for that line, which was my original gripe. The line itself belonged to the narrator, which as you brilliantly pointed out was J.R.R. Tolkien. I was merely referring to the screenwriter. I believe in character building, but using what was meant to be a joke to somehow help motivate Bilbo on this expedition was not how Tolkien wrote it.

      Bilbo was a Took and was inclined to adventures to begin with. They didn’t play up Bilbo’s inclination towards being mischievous in the way Tolkien wrote it. This is continued when Bilbo chooses and names Sting. In the movie, it’s not represented that way. Gandalf makes an attempt to convince him that this is a good idea, once again downplaying the adventurous Took blood that is already part of who Bilbo is.

  2. Read the book probably every two years or so for the last 30 years. Thought the movie was absolutely brilliant. Very excited that they used this opportunity to roll Tolkien’s notes into the story – particularly the dwarven war with the orcs at Moria. I used to obsess over every scrap of information I could glean of that war when I was 12.

    This film certainly wasn’t perfect. The expansion of Azog’s scene (the pale orc), and the apparent combination with his son Bolg was a bit off putting. The coincidence factor of him showing up after all these years… not strong. Been waiting to see something with Radagast since he was cut from the Bakshi LOTR Fellowship movie. So that was awesome.

    The incorporation of the songs. the comparative optimism in this adventure compared to what we see in LOTR. The investigations of the Necromancer. the convening of the White Council…

    Seriously, I cannot express how enjoyable I found this movie to be. I’ve seen it twice and will soon see it a third time.

    Curious… did you see it in 48FPS? There’s an interesting article written by a director on why 48FPS creates an emotional gulf between the screen and the viewer.

  3. I think the Azog scenes are what made me so angry; I just didn’t buy into the way they animated him. It could just be that I went into it with too many expectations. I try to stay openminded, and I realize that a lot of diehard fans really did like this movie. And because of that, I I think I owe it to my fellow Tolkien lovers to give this movie another shot.

    1. The Azog scenes were a problem. The visual effect of it and the inclusion were clumsy and ineffective. But the riddles scene? The dwarves doing the dishes? the trolls arguing about how to cook their captives? Lots of great stuff to enjoy.

      I honestly feel like the alterations were less excessive and less intrusive than in the previous trilogy. Yes, this book deviates from the Hobbit more than the other films deviate from the LOTR books, but many of the deviations this time around stem from Tolkien’s notes, rather than originating with Peter Jackson. To me, overall it felt much truer to they mythology Tolkien built.

      Another way of looking at this film: It’s not meant as an adaptation of the book the Hobbit. It’s supposed to be the “true” story behind the book that Bilbo wrote that exists both in our world and in Middle Earth. The film tells you as much in the opening.

      I’ll be curious to see how you feel after a second pass.

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