This article contains profanity. It’s not in my style to use them at all. Ever. But I couldn’t come up with anything else. You’ve been warned.
It’s no secret that I love fiction. It can come in any and all forms: books, movies, the general media… No seriously. I’m an absolute escapist. I read because I would rather be there than here. I’d rather be surrounded by people who make sense than living in my tiny little part of the world where the biggest adventure anyone has ever had was trying to get to the grocery store after it snowed.
I don’t care about snippy gossip, and I care even less when it’s in my world. So I live for fiction and those that will expand their minds and go there with me. So, now that you understand where I’m coming from, I will continue on with my point.
I’ve read the Hobbit and all the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) books. I’ve listened to the books on tape/CD multiple times. I own the extended editions of the movies. I watch them frequently. Every time I come across a point in the books or the movies when they don’t coincide, I don’t care. It really doesn’t bother me. I enjoy both equally. I love Tolkien. He is the father of fantasy.
I went to go see The Hobbit today. I think a moment of silence is needed. They fucked the movie all to hell and are apparently going to do it two more times. (Since when was this book long enough to be a trilogy?)
If you could only see my face right now. If you could only see me trying to find the right words to describe how much they fucked this movie up. I understand trying to make something more interesting. I got why they changed the ending of the last Twilight movie. It needed some vamping up, no pun intended. But, THIS?
They screwed the plotline. What sucks so bad is that this was in no way a complicated tale that needed to be cut down. I understand a lot of the omission and changing in the LOTR movies because those books were intensely long and extremely detailed. But this movie was just a box office slandering of what could have been another fantastic film. They added so much that wasn’t there so they could fit in two more movies.
This pale orc? I have no recollection of this pale orc in the Hobbit playing some huge role. None. And so while I was trying to accept the movie changing alterations of the this book, I could not. How about Radagast? He doesn’t play any part in the book! Granted, I found it relatively entertaining, but I had such a hard time swallowing it. They changed the point of the story. Radagast finds a necromancer blade? What the hell is wrong with these people? Don’t they realize that the people who throw so much money into geekdom are people who actually know the damned story? I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I couldn’t keep up with what the hell was happening.
The animation of the orcs/goblins/etc was so inconsistent. I was hoping to return to Middle Earth with this film. Other than Bag End, I felt everything was just an attempt to wow the audience. The goblins were also entertaining as they seemed to closer resemble what had been painted out in the animated feature released in 1977. But they seemed cheap. The pale orc animation seemed cheap. I looked at the companion I dragged along to this movie and said, “What did they do? Waste all the money on the panoramic shots that they didn’t have any money left for the rest of the movie?”
Oh, and Gandalf makes a reference to golf. Go fuck yourselves whoever is responsible for that.
What did I enjoy out of this movie? Well, Thorin is nothing like what he is in the book, and I’m okay with that. Give me a hero, sure, that makes some sense. In the book, he’s merely a greedy bastard as dwarves tend to be. I also liked the song they sang in the beginning. Ugh, but I can’t think about something I liked without hating how they fucked something else up. How about that prologue? Haven’t seen the movie yet? Well, they do a whole this-is-who-Smaug-is as your shoe in to the movie. The sequence alone didn’t make sense. Why not have the dwarves try to explain this to Bilbo and not have it as the opener? It was like Hollywood was trying to say “Here, look, we’ve made a really interesting movie! See look! Keep watching!” Take a flying leap off a very tall cliff.
The whole flow of this film was completely botched. I am not just ranting and saying how horrible this film is because I loved the book so much. I am saying they screwed this up royally because they wanted to make lots of money. They completely fucked up. I will not see any of the following movies in this trilogy on the big screen. It’s just not worth the money. I will gladly wait until it’s $1 at Redbox. I wouldn’t be surprised if it made a quick appearance on Netflix. Do you remember how Eragon didn’t go so well? They never made any more of those films. Just saying.
The only thing about this movie release that made me happy is the readily available original Hobbit merch. Thank God for that. But, that’s about it.
You know, maybe I should see it again? Maybe I was just expecting that they let Tolkien do what he does best, you know… tell a story. They seemed to take their time with LOTR. Sure those movies were meant to make money, too. They were also epic. The Hobbit was an average movie. Average.
Congratulations to the idiots who managed to turn something Tolkien came up with into average. I hate you.